The Art of feeling alone

It’s been a while since I wrote here, since the sudden death of one of my best friend here I’ve been lost, and feeling lost.

You see, I was used to being alone, or at least I got used to it, I moved to town when I was 19, all of my friendships were (and I dare to say are) already strong and going, I think there is an age when you could be fine not making new friends, mostly because you have people to hang out with and I am not saying people do not make any new friends, however is not something you need to feel complete or accepted or whatever…

So I moved, my family was with me, but I had no friends in a big city, I got used to be alone or to be confortable alone in University,  which seems weird since for most people you make great friends there, however in Mexico is not the same, my unversity is mostly locals and have tons of friends in town, they hung out and had their friend life already figured out, and to be honest I learned that is how it was, and was happy about it, I knew my friend were there, far away but still there and I did made friends, however is not the same, I do see them once or twice a year but is not like we keep in touch that often.

Then I started my working life, I did not get a job to make friends but you know I had plans to pay and I say plans because they were big plans, which I didn’t realize until now is that my plans were for me and me alone, not anyone else I did not see anyone with me.

I went into my exchange program and at the beginning it was the same, me alone as usual and I was okay with it, and then I made friends and for a few months, I never felt alone again, I had people around me all the time, we had deep conversations, we were never bored, I dare to say we were a little family… I was happy and not alone.

But eventually I had to come back to the real world, sometimes I wish I could just stay like that forever, careless student in an exchange program, in a country where everything seems to fit, even when alone, I was not alone, I was in England and everything was new and facinating, I still remember walking down the streets of Leeds if I close my eyes I can feel and see the streets, I can feel it…

My alone time came back again, and I had one plan down, for many years my focus was on that plan, England, and now I had nothing, I got a job and now my goal was to find it in me to finish university, univeristy was  lonelier than ever, mostly because all my class mates were in different classes, I made friends at work though and work became my main source of hang out, I finally moved sites and within the company to an other process and then I met my Best Team.

I can remember seeing her the first day, I can remember when she got sick during training, I can remember her strong willingness beating me at a role play, and the first time she spoke to me and wanting to know more about me…

She was cool and I wasn’t and I couldn’t understand why she would even speak to me but she did, and a lot, we starting what we called text spam, and ever since I didn’t feel alone, she was always around, always a text, phone call and later on whatsapp away, we communicated 24/7. Morning texts “How are you doing?” texts, “love you” texts “random rant texts” picture of the tacky picture at the bus texts, cute boy texts, random loooong phone conversations. We had each other and that was all that mattered, she helped me through my broken heart, I tried to help her with hers.

And then she was gone, I can’t remember what I said to her last, it was probably “Ok I’ll see you here” or something like it. I miss her and now I am alone again and honestly I know I am not totally alone but there are long periods of time I feel completely lost and alone…

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