Life changes

These past months have been interesting, to say the least, I’m learning to be myself and enjoy and be proud of who I am, this year I’ve been trying to be more me, to not apologize and just do what I need to be.

I wish I could explain further here, and maybe I will, I just need to know how to get whatever is in my head into words.

Dealing with loss

I can’t be considered an expert but in the past I had to deal with this. I actually believe there is not a key or one specific path to deal with this.

We all experience loss, it’s part of life, it’s there to remind us we cannot take anything for granted, probably the biggest loss we all experience is the loss of a loved one, whether is losing a friend or a partner to a fight to losing someone to death.

I guess the little losses you don’t remember are not the ones that get you the most, but the ones you are actually aware of as they are happening, my mom lost her father when she was seven, I lost my grandpa’ when I wasn’t even born, I lost my grandpa from my dad’s side when I was like 7 or 8 probably and I can’t recall even going to the funeral, I have vague memories…

My Aun however, I do remember clearly, she had Cancer and she fought long and hard for her life, she was an important part of my life,  I remember going to her house and we would spend time together, chatting and doing crafts I guess we just clicked and my childhood is filled with memories with her, I remember going visiting on her last days, she would chat and be her usual self, just in bed and weaker, I have very clear memories of the night before she died, I remember going to bed and telling my mom  I was going to call my aunt the following day, I remember having nightmares and I remember waking up that morning to my mom delivering the news to me, I was probably 17, I was a mess I cried so much, I was devastated to say the least…

Little did we know it was about to be harder, a few weeks later my grandma had a stoke, my healthy active grandma was now in the hospital, she recovered quite quickly, I remember even playing cards and dominoes with her, but a few more weeks later she had an other stroke, I remember getting the call from my mom, I remember running out of school to see her, I remember everyone told me I should wait for the next day when she would be on her own room to see her, I to date don’t know if they did it to protect me or because they really believed it, but she died that night, it was the second death in a little period of time and it was devastating… It was hard

I don’t remember how I got over it, I just remember at some point I was reminded even when they are gone, we are not, and we can’t be unhappy because not only they wouldn’t want us to be unhappy but because life is short to be unhappy. We have the power to change our life and to make the best of it, it doesn’t mean we will forget those we lost, it means we owe to them life to the fullest.

A friend, a good friend, had a loss recently and I’ve been remembering all of this, I wish I could help her, she is losing herself in the grief process, she is just living because she can breathe, and I can’t help her, I hope I’d know how… all I can be is there for her, I feel bad because life shouldn’t be numb.

I guess this all is here to remind me loss is always something I will experience, and not only me but the rest of the world, is something we cannot avoid, I guess all we can hope for is to let it go, to not allow it make us bitter, to instead give us something to remember, the good things, and to give us passion, for life, for others, specially for others, and not be afraid to lose them, because that means we have something worth remembering…