The Art of feeling alone

It’s been a while since I wrote here, since the sudden death of one of my best friend here I’ve been lost, and feeling lost.

You see, I was used to being alone, or at least I got used to it, I moved to town when I was 19, all of my friendships were (and I dare to say are) already strong and going, I think there is an age when you could be fine not making new friends, mostly because you have people to hang out with and I am not saying people do not make any new friends, however is not something you need to feel complete or accepted or whatever…

So I moved, my family was with me, but I had no friends in a big city, I got used to be alone or to be confortable alone in University,  which seems weird since for most people you make great friends there, however in Mexico is not the same, my unversity is mostly locals and have tons of friends in town, they hung out and had their friend life already figured out, and to be honest I learned that is how it was, and was happy about it, I knew my friend were there, far away but still there and I did made friends, however is not the same, I do see them once or twice a year but is not like we keep in touch that often.

Then I started my working life, I did not get a job to make friends but you know I had plans to pay and I say plans because they were big plans, which I didn’t realize until now is that my plans were for me and me alone, not anyone else I did not see anyone with me.

I went into my exchange program and at the beginning it was the same, me alone as usual and I was okay with it, and then I made friends and for a few months, I never felt alone again, I had people around me all the time, we had deep conversations, we were never bored, I dare to say we were a little family… I was happy and not alone.

But eventually I had to come back to the real world, sometimes I wish I could just stay like that forever, careless student in an exchange program, in a country where everything seems to fit, even when alone, I was not alone, I was in England and everything was new and facinating, I still remember walking down the streets of Leeds if I close my eyes I can feel and see the streets, I can feel it…

My alone time came back again, and I had one plan down, for many years my focus was on that plan, England, and now I had nothing, I got a job and now my goal was to find it in me to finish university, univeristy was  lonelier than ever, mostly because all my class mates were in different classes, I made friends at work though and work became my main source of hang out, I finally moved sites and within the company to an other process and then I met my Best Team.

I can remember seeing her the first day, I can remember when she got sick during training, I can remember her strong willingness beating me at a role play, and the first time she spoke to me and wanting to know more about me…

She was cool and I wasn’t and I couldn’t understand why she would even speak to me but she did, and a lot, we starting what we called text spam, and ever since I didn’t feel alone, she was always around, always a text, phone call and later on whatsapp away, we communicated 24/7. Morning texts “How are you doing?” texts, “love you” texts “random rant texts” picture of the tacky picture at the bus texts, cute boy texts, random loooong phone conversations. We had each other and that was all that mattered, she helped me through my broken heart, I tried to help her with hers.

And then she was gone, I can’t remember what I said to her last, it was probably “Ok I’ll see you here” or something like it. I miss her and now I am alone again and honestly I know I am not totally alone but there are long periods of time I feel completely lost and alone…

She is really gone

One of my Bestest Deaest friends was on an accident last Friday night/Saturday Morning and sadly she passed away.

I honestly am in pain, I talked about dealing with loss before and then I’m in this position again and I’m not sure what to do she was like one of the people I spoke with 24/7 no joke, we were partners in crime, friends, confidents, we called each other Best Team.

When her sister called me I could not believe it, I was in shock, mostly because I had a lost call from here a minute before the accident, she was going to meet us after this work dinner since we were celebrating one of our friend’s birthday, she called me 1:59 am, I called back several times a minute after and she did not pick up, I honestly figured she just left her phone away like she does often. she didn’t…

the last few days have been some of the worst in my life, she was 25, she was smart, pretty, she was amazing, and I’m not only saying that because she was my friend, I’m saying that because is true.

I’m leaving for New York this week and I honestly do not know what to feel, all my friends say is “Enjoy it, she will be coming with you” and I know she will, it’s just still hard to get used to the idea she is really gone, at least from the physical world, I will not be getting any whatsapp, calls, office communicator messages, anything I will not be seeing her for coffee, lunch or a crazy shopping spree.

I only have good memories from her, and I know she left me with a group of terrific friends, we are helping each other but is not easy, and we know it will not be easy.

I can’t be numb all my life she would want me to go and live life like she always did! doing what she loved!

I love you Best Team I will always love you! and no matter where I go or what I do, you will always be a part of me.

The One where I actually write

Maybe I should actually set up a date and time to write? I do some writing on a notebook sometimes, I guess you could call that my Journal, however I’m always thinking on writing here but somehow I get caught up on some other things.

I’ll be leaving for New York in exactly 18 days! 😮 I can’t believe there’s only 18 days separating me and my trip, last year it seemed so far away and now is just a couple of weeks away. I have everything set except for the itinerary, I’ve been doing research and stuff and I have my pass, however I still need to figure out how to make the most of it!

So that’s pretty much all I’ve been talking/thinking about.

I shall be back sooner than you think dear internet 🙂

 

Change of Plans

You know that feeling of having everything planned and figured out and then having everything changed? well I am feeling that right now, somehow a bit dizzy…

I have this big trip planned since last year with a friend, everything is booked, mostly however due to work schedule she will not be able to go with me, I completely understand, is not her fault, lots of changes came her way this year too. But can’t help but feel sad and disappointed.

I’m not afraid of travelling alone, I’ve done it a LOT, I went to London, Paris and different parts within England, and I am absolutely fine with it, I quite enjoy it, however I had all this time this planned out for two, getting back to just me while it’s ok and will not stop me it’s not exactly what I planned.

I’ll be fine, I just need to have a change of mind and set up everything for me to enjoy, my trip is 2 months away!!!

Scary stuff,  however I will survive!

Dealing with loss

I can’t be considered an expert but in the past I had to deal with this. I actually believe there is not a key or one specific path to deal with this.

We all experience loss, it’s part of life, it’s there to remind us we cannot take anything for granted, probably the biggest loss we all experience is the loss of a loved one, whether is losing a friend or a partner to a fight to losing someone to death.

I guess the little losses you don’t remember are not the ones that get you the most, but the ones you are actually aware of as they are happening, my mom lost her father when she was seven, I lost my grandpa’ when I wasn’t even born, I lost my grandpa from my dad’s side when I was like 7 or 8 probably and I can’t recall even going to the funeral, I have vague memories…

My Aun however, I do remember clearly, she had Cancer and she fought long and hard for her life, she was an important part of my life,  I remember going to her house and we would spend time together, chatting and doing crafts I guess we just clicked and my childhood is filled with memories with her, I remember going visiting on her last days, she would chat and be her usual self, just in bed and weaker, I have very clear memories of the night before she died, I remember going to bed and telling my mom  I was going to call my aunt the following day, I remember having nightmares and I remember waking up that morning to my mom delivering the news to me, I was probably 17, I was a mess I cried so much, I was devastated to say the least…

Little did we know it was about to be harder, a few weeks later my grandma had a stoke, my healthy active grandma was now in the hospital, she recovered quite quickly, I remember even playing cards and dominoes with her, but a few more weeks later she had an other stroke, I remember getting the call from my mom, I remember running out of school to see her, I remember everyone told me I should wait for the next day when she would be on her own room to see her, I to date don’t know if they did it to protect me or because they really believed it, but she died that night, it was the second death in a little period of time and it was devastating… It was hard

I don’t remember how I got over it, I just remember at some point I was reminded even when they are gone, we are not, and we can’t be unhappy because not only they wouldn’t want us to be unhappy but because life is short to be unhappy. We have the power to change our life and to make the best of it, it doesn’t mean we will forget those we lost, it means we owe to them life to the fullest.

A friend, a good friend, had a loss recently and I’ve been remembering all of this, I wish I could help her, she is losing herself in the grief process, she is just living because she can breathe, and I can’t help her, I hope I’d know how… all I can be is there for her, I feel bad because life shouldn’t be numb.

I guess this all is here to remind me loss is always something I will experience, and not only me but the rest of the world, is something we cannot avoid, I guess all we can hope for is to let it go, to not allow it make us bitter, to instead give us something to remember, the good things, and to give us passion, for life, for others, specially for others, and not be afraid to lose them, because that means we have something worth remembering…

Change is

This year everything is pretty much still the same, which is good I guess but I really want some change, I know change is scary, but it’s also new and exciting and I think I really need that in my life right now.

My job is ok, I have to admit at least to myself is not exactly what I love, I enjoy being there, I love the benefits but it’s not the “perfect” job not even close, it’s all math and numbers and contact employees and helping them, and I don’t hate it but I want to look for something more, I can’t move on the company until I’m one year here, which is in May. The thing is I need to move and to make it happen.

Sometimes I thing it gets harder to apply or get something you really want as opposed to something you don’t mind, I guess that’s the scary part, fear to fail, but if we look at it this way, we need to fail in order to succeed, the thing is getting the courage to do so.

I guess I am trying to do little changes, like eating more greens at lunch, like instead of fries or beans as a side, get the fruit and vegetables (which I actually love) and I started getting the habit of drinking coke after lunch at work everyday to keep myself awake and that’s just very unhealthy, so I quit altogether, I will not be drinking soda every day (like before) and I am drinking more water.

That’s how it is little by little, big changes are made.

I can’t wait for changes this year! I’m craving for them! 🙂

Dear Boy in Second Date

So I went on a date this past Friday, second date, the first was before Christmas, why I agreed? I’m not quite sure, I guess I was hoping it would be a good one, and It wasn’t bad but it was not the best, the following would be the list of comments I guess I should discuss before going into a third date

Dear Guy,

I highly appreciate punctuality not only I appreciate it but I actually like to be on time, everywhere, I might be crazy for that but I believe we shouldn’t make anyone wait, it’s time wasted.
Yes I do mind if you want to smoke before the show when the time of the show is actually now, I do not like smoking anyway, terrible habit I’ve been dealing with it all my life and anyway it has never stopped me for getting places or doing stuff.
I get you are comfortable and you don’t want to change how your life is right now, and I honestly want to say to you it is ok, however you are not ready for a girlfriend.
If you never have time to send messages or to spend time with someone, you don’t want to be with that person hard enough and honestly  I don’t mind.

And believe me it’s flattering that you think I’m pretty and you enjoy mi company but your excuses of why you will not text or call often are not good enough for me, not good reasons.

My life does not get ruled by a game or an event, I will never just stay in because of the game. And I constantly ask questions, because that’s who I am, I am a curious being, If I ask is because I care and I don’t want to feel limited on what can I ask or not.

I appreciated the play and the time, but it wasn’t the time of my life, It didn’t leave me hooked or wanting more, I think is great how many things we have in common but let’s be honest, you don’t want to date me, I’m hard, difficult and I will not make it easier for you, I’ve already had that experience and it’s nothing I want to recreate any time soon. I will not make it easier on you to make it harder for me, you want easy, you do not want me.

I don’t want easy, I want good, and if that is hard, so be it!

This is 2014

I’m not going to pretend I am a writer or that I am good, this is pretty much just for me, This year I want to write, not perfectly but to remember to have everything I feel (or mostly) somewhere to remind me I am Alive.

One of my resolutions for 2014 was to keep a blog, blog constantly even when it’s a little one, even when it’s just a picture, keep a journal online will help me, to be happier and more aware.

My first language is not English, but somehow I like to write in English, don’t get me wrong I love my Spanish! but English has been one of the things it’s helping me grow in life, plus I’m always learning and practice makes best right?

So here we go is January 22nd 2014 let’s hope for an amazing year of blog goodness!

Not sure how to move on

Sometimes I seriously think about my friends, I mean I love them, probably way too much, the thing is while usually make some people my priority they do not always make me theirs, I don’t even ask to be a top priority, but you know maybe once in a while, I don’t blame them and it is their right, but still kind of hurts, after all I am only human.

I would pretty much like to start over somewhere new, new people, new air, maybe someday I will, maybe I should consider who really is my friend and just let go of the rest, maybe I should start focusing on my happiness instead of others.

The hard thing about people, is that is hard to move on, you get used to them, you depend of them and you care, I don’t want my happiness to depend on them, is not fair, maybe little by little I will go away, I will slowly disappear and they won’ even know I was there…

This is how I am starting my blog again, some little sad thoughts, I guess this is why I’ve been wanting to keep a blog for the longest, it feels good to let it out! both the happy and the sad!

Hello September! 🙂