Change of Plans

You know that feeling of having everything planned and figured out and then having everything changed? well I am feeling that right now, somehow a bit dizzy…

I have this big trip planned since last year with a friend, everything is booked, mostly however due to work schedule she will not be able to go with me, I completely understand, is not her fault, lots of changes came her way this year too. But can’t help but feel sad and disappointed.

I’m not afraid of travelling alone, I’ve done it a LOT, I went to London, Paris and different parts within England, and I am absolutely fine with it, I quite enjoy it, however I had all this time this planned out for two, getting back to just me while it’s ok and will not stop me it’s not exactly what I planned.

I’ll be fine, I just need to have a change of mind and set up everything for me to enjoy, my trip is 2 months away!!!

Scary stuff,  however I will survive!

Dealing with loss

I can’t be considered an expert but in the past I had to deal with this. I actually believe there is not a key or one specific path to deal with this.

We all experience loss, it’s part of life, it’s there to remind us we cannot take anything for granted, probably the biggest loss we all experience is the loss of a loved one, whether is losing a friend or a partner to a fight to losing someone to death.

I guess the little losses you don’t remember are not the ones that get you the most, but the ones you are actually aware of as they are happening, my mom lost her father when she was seven, I lost my grandpa’ when I wasn’t even born, I lost my grandpa from my dad’s side when I was like 7 or 8 probably and I can’t recall even going to the funeral, I have vague memories…

My Aun however, I do remember clearly, she had Cancer and she fought long and hard for her life, she was an important part of my life,  I remember going to her house and we would spend time together, chatting and doing crafts I guess we just clicked and my childhood is filled with memories with her, I remember going visiting on her last days, she would chat and be her usual self, just in bed and weaker, I have very clear memories of the night before she died, I remember going to bed and telling my mom  I was going to call my aunt the following day, I remember having nightmares and I remember waking up that morning to my mom delivering the news to me, I was probably 17, I was a mess I cried so much, I was devastated to say the least…

Little did we know it was about to be harder, a few weeks later my grandma had a stoke, my healthy active grandma was now in the hospital, she recovered quite quickly, I remember even playing cards and dominoes with her, but a few more weeks later she had an other stroke, I remember getting the call from my mom, I remember running out of school to see her, I remember everyone told me I should wait for the next day when she would be on her own room to see her, I to date don’t know if they did it to protect me or because they really believed it, but she died that night, it was the second death in a little period of time and it was devastating… It was hard

I don’t remember how I got over it, I just remember at some point I was reminded even when they are gone, we are not, and we can’t be unhappy because not only they wouldn’t want us to be unhappy but because life is short to be unhappy. We have the power to change our life and to make the best of it, it doesn’t mean we will forget those we lost, it means we owe to them life to the fullest.

A friend, a good friend, had a loss recently and I’ve been remembering all of this, I wish I could help her, she is losing herself in the grief process, she is just living because she can breathe, and I can’t help her, I hope I’d know how… all I can be is there for her, I feel bad because life shouldn’t be numb.

I guess this all is here to remind me loss is always something I will experience, and not only me but the rest of the world, is something we cannot avoid, I guess all we can hope for is to let it go, to not allow it make us bitter, to instead give us something to remember, the good things, and to give us passion, for life, for others, specially for others, and not be afraid to lose them, because that means we have something worth remembering…

Change is

This year everything is pretty much still the same, which is good I guess but I really want some change, I know change is scary, but it’s also new and exciting and I think I really need that in my life right now.

My job is ok, I have to admit at least to myself is not exactly what I love, I enjoy being there, I love the benefits but it’s not the “perfect” job not even close, it’s all math and numbers and contact employees and helping them, and I don’t hate it but I want to look for something more, I can’t move on the company until I’m one year here, which is in May. The thing is I need to move and to make it happen.

Sometimes I thing it gets harder to apply or get something you really want as opposed to something you don’t mind, I guess that’s the scary part, fear to fail, but if we look at it this way, we need to fail in order to succeed, the thing is getting the courage to do so.

I guess I am trying to do little changes, like eating more greens at lunch, like instead of fries or beans as a side, get the fruit and vegetables (which I actually love) and I started getting the habit of drinking coke after lunch at work everyday to keep myself awake and that’s just very unhealthy, so I quit altogether, I will not be drinking soda every day (like before) and I am drinking more water.

That’s how it is little by little, big changes are made.

I can’t wait for changes this year! I’m craving for them! 🙂

Dear Boy in Second Date

So I went on a date this past Friday, second date, the first was before Christmas, why I agreed? I’m not quite sure, I guess I was hoping it would be a good one, and It wasn’t bad but it was not the best, the following would be the list of comments I guess I should discuss before going into a third date

Dear Guy,

I highly appreciate punctuality not only I appreciate it but I actually like to be on time, everywhere, I might be crazy for that but I believe we shouldn’t make anyone wait, it’s time wasted.
Yes I do mind if you want to smoke before the show when the time of the show is actually now, I do not like smoking anyway, terrible habit I’ve been dealing with it all my life and anyway it has never stopped me for getting places or doing stuff.
I get you are comfortable and you don’t want to change how your life is right now, and I honestly want to say to you it is ok, however you are not ready for a girlfriend.
If you never have time to send messages or to spend time with someone, you don’t want to be with that person hard enough and honestly  I don’t mind.

And believe me it’s flattering that you think I’m pretty and you enjoy mi company but your excuses of why you will not text or call often are not good enough for me, not good reasons.

My life does not get ruled by a game or an event, I will never just stay in because of the game. And I constantly ask questions, because that’s who I am, I am a curious being, If I ask is because I care and I don’t want to feel limited on what can I ask or not.

I appreciated the play and the time, but it wasn’t the time of my life, It didn’t leave me hooked or wanting more, I think is great how many things we have in common but let’s be honest, you don’t want to date me, I’m hard, difficult and I will not make it easier for you, I’ve already had that experience and it’s nothing I want to recreate any time soon. I will not make it easier on you to make it harder for me, you want easy, you do not want me.

I don’t want easy, I want good, and if that is hard, so be it!

This is 2014

I’m not going to pretend I am a writer or that I am good, this is pretty much just for me, This year I want to write, not perfectly but to remember to have everything I feel (or mostly) somewhere to remind me I am Alive.

One of my resolutions for 2014 was to keep a blog, blog constantly even when it’s a little one, even when it’s just a picture, keep a journal online will help me, to be happier and more aware.

My first language is not English, but somehow I like to write in English, don’t get me wrong I love my Spanish! but English has been one of the things it’s helping me grow in life, plus I’m always learning and practice makes best right?

So here we go is January 22nd 2014 let’s hope for an amazing year of blog goodness!