It’s almost 2015

It is almost 2015 and I’ve been ready for this year to end since May.

Funny how everytime I feel sad or vulnerable I come and write here, I guess this way I feel like I have somewhere to just complain or be sad.

I have to agree 2014 has not been all bad, however the bad definitely outweighs the good, which is sad, but a new job and better pay will never replace my Best Friend, I guess that is why I am feeling nostalgic lately.

I visited my Best Team’s parents this weekend and while it was amazing to see them and it was nice to talk to them and all the family (I was lucky and got to see all her siblings too) It is still heartbreaking, her dad still sees me and brusts into tears and I really can’t blame him, when he saw me on the past it was because she was there with me and  needless to say this time she wasn’t.

Also I’ve been missing spending time with her, this season we saw eachother a lot, maybe because we were just in a good mood or maybe the Christmas spirit, last year we did a shopping spree, had dinner, had a bunch of teas, I saw her before Christmas on the 23rd and then right back when she got home from Tepic. And I miss talking with her, I was just yesterday at Forever 21 trying to find some tights to wear on the Christmas party at the office and I got a flashback of us shopping last year chasing a particular girl for the purse she wanted, and it made me happy to have those fun memories, but later on it made me sad, because I was alone…

This year no-one will be missing the Christmas dinner no-one has asked yet, she ALWAYS asked, got things going, but this year Thanksgiving was for all more of a commitment than my friends wanting to be there, and it’s sad because I kind of feel that was the last one, the last thanksgiving I will be celebrating, mostly because no-one cares, and she did, we went through our next year goals together and well that is not happening again, I guess 2015 will be about the new traditions, but I will sure miss the old,

Good things happened, don’t get me wrong but 70% of this year it’s been sad and I’ve spent crying…

So yes I am crying and I am sad, but I am also happy this year will be ending soon, I can’t wait to start fresh, get a car, go travelling with my mom, do personal projects and focus on me, this next year I will try to give me happiness, because that is how it should be it’s clear not just today but in general my happiness it’s in my hands and I can’t be placing something so important in the hands of others…

How to say Goodbye to a Friend…

2014 for my was the year of saying goodbye, to a lot of things, the most important: Friends, sure I made strong bonds with a few more but it doesn’t make it any easier, Sandy is leaving, she is moving to Cancun, she received a Job offer she can’t refuse and I honestly think it’s the best for her, she will be finally doing full time the thing she loves.

She was part of the amazing trio which was Tere (My BT), Sandy and I, I can’t remember exactly how we started to hang out, I mean at least the 3 of us, I guess it just happened organically, each brought something to the group, and looking back, we were so different not only from eachother but from within.

In May we lost Tere physically forever and now I am losing Sandy which I must say I’m glad it’s not forever but it’s far, and far is not close and I am going to miss her, the second piece of the trio is going away leaving the last part here.

I am fine, I am happy for her and I am thinking on the positive side of things, I am not losing a friend I am saying see you later to one and I know she will do amazingly there, however it makes me want to do something and do it now.

I need to start doing the things I love instead of just thinking about doing them, blog more, travel more, take more pictures, just do more…

This post is not making much sense, it helps though to let everything go, get it out of my head…

Visitors from down under

It’s funny how old/new faces can turn around your life and get a different perspective, During my year abroad I met several people, from several countries and the relationships just flowed, it wasn’t forced it just was. It’s funny because you live with all this people for 6 months and hang out with them, have dinner, breakfast, lunch, karaoke nights and then we just simply are not able to hang out, mostly because we are on the other side of the world from each other. Facebook will be the most we get to kind of hang out.

It’s been 5 years and this year was a good one for meet and greets, in may I met Dan at New York, we spent the day together we chatted, ate and it was pretty good, I have to admit I was afraid it would not flow after 5 years, but it turns out that was not a problem at all. It was funny because we only hung out in Leeds and this was a completely different enviroment, so it was familiar but it was also not it was good.

This time around on Sunday Melinda and Pep from Australia made their way to here, the place I call home, It’s just so great to see them, to chat, to have tea, just like the old times, it’s great how this little visit, even when I can’t spend as much time as I’d like with them, came to refresh the air to my life, change my routine a little, it’s interesing exciting and makes me feel at peace. I do believe there is a reason why they came this year and now, life took some things away from me, but It also gave me gifts…

I feel lucky, because I was able to live all that, and I am able to live all this experiences that make you feel at home, after all they were my home away from home, and it’s just amazing how people who might have a completely different background can be so alike, so familiar, so like family…

I can’t wait to meet the next Luptoner the Universe will put in my way again.

Thanksgiving and why I celebrate it

I live in México, here we do not celebrate Thanksgiving, we know about the holiday however we do not celebrate it, except probably ex-pats and me, I am probably the only one who conducts said celebration with no United States person within the group.

It all started a few years ago, I worked at a call center which gave outsourcing to several companies, usually they do not give holidays, however there was this new company and I happened to be moved there where they said they would only give Thanksgiving.

I was very excited and decided that to celebate I would make dinner to my friends and we would have our own Thanksgiving. My Best Team worked on an other company that actually gave her Thanksgiving as well (US Based companies usually do that) so it was an all round celebration.

Many people made fun of me here, because it is not a Mexican tradition and all, but honestly the dinner was amazing, we would wear something nice, I would cook, and we would drink wine and say all around what we were thankful for. There was also pumpking pie (thank yoy Cotsco)

This became a tradition, because the year after we found ourselves doing it, and the year after and so on, last year though I was not sure I wanted to do anything, it wasn’t the best of years and I was not feeling like it, so I didn’t say anything or organized anything, however my Best Team asked a few weeks before, I have to admit I had a soft spot for her, and I saw how much she wanted it, she said she looked forward to that dinner all year but left it up to me to decide.

Of course I did made the dinner, she then told me, regardless how bad or good our year was it was important to be thankful, and she was right, we had dinner, incorporated a new member to the group and we had our thanksgiving dinner.  I am happy I did it, it was our last Thanksgiving together, her last Thanksgiving.

And this year, she is not here and it’s been a crap year, and thanksgiving is just around the corner, and I am getting nostalgic, however I decided there should be Thanksgiving this year and I am thankful, for her for the time she spent with me and all the love she gave me and I know she would never forgive me if there was no dinner, she will be there with us, she was my constant not only on that dinner, but overall…

Get involved

I recently realized that is what I need, however I also realize right now is not something I can do at the fullest.

I’ve always been involved, my poor Mother had to deal with a girl who would volunteer for everything, making a cake, be at the play, bring this, bring that, I was the girl who always raised the hand. therefore I tried everything when I was young, played basketball, football (or soccer if you are in the US), First Aids, Theatre, Chorus,  Guitar, Painting you name it…

Even when I went for my exchange program I joined the Mexican committee, I guess I like to fit in, or keep myself busy. When I joined the company I did not have time to get involved, we had rivers of work, but as soon as things got calm, I got opportunities, I joined the open house committee, soon I was requested to help with the Christmas party, I was able to volunteer in some other areas.

But now that I moved to a new possition and there are opportunities to get involved I can’t actually do so because I am still learning, I can’t just join a team and ask for free time to get involved right away I need to wait learn and then start being the volunteer girl that I am, I need to be patient and live through my friends who actually can.

Wish me luck  and if you can, try it, get involved.

Friends and impossible relationships

So I noticed something recently, all or most of my friends are pulled into relationships with no future. and I don’t mean personality wise or compatibility but a big fat reason I will not share here just in case.

I wonder why, because it seems I live mortified for them, mostly because I care, I probably shouldn’t care very much or worry this much, but for some reason I do, and I wonder if it’s because I need to learn something from this, or because I have no life (which is probably a more accurate response)

Why do girls get themselves in a situation they hate, but yet cannot get out of the vicious circle? why they want to be hurt or be hurting for longer? Don’t they realize they have so freaking much to give? I honestly can say I have the group of girl friends more interesting I know, they are all smart and pretty (I swear they are not love eyes, I do think they are pretty), they all have different but killer personalities and could get any good guy they want, but they choose the one already confirmed is not for the long run…

This guys are vicious and selfish and only want what’s best for them, I honestly don’t think they are bad people, they just are not willing to be in a relationship with them, they rather keep it easy on them, because they have nothing to lose.

It’s sad, but very true, and sometimes I wish I could not care to see them going to the same guys, because I hate seeing them sad when they could be the happiest.

I guess I’ll have to deal, there is not much more I can do, but being here for them, and I always will, even when when my heart breaks every time they cry for them…

A little company needed

I need to find myself company, I recently moved to a new position within my company and yes, the pay is better, the job is better however I am in a completely different building and the company is not so much, I was used to have ALWAYS someone to talk to…mainly because I am a chatter box and most of my co-workers got along with my perfectly and we were able to chat away about random things, they liked the real me, the annoying, moody, happy me, all my versions, I never experienced that much acceptance in a workplace, I guess you don’t get that very often.

I think this is one of the reasons I am feeling so alone, I always had someone join me for tea (since I don’t drink coffee) or someone would be available to join me to the cafeteria and don’t get me wrong I’m not THAT needy that does not mean I didn’t do it alone sometimes, I did it tons of times alone, but I guess is not about having the company 24/7 but is knowing company can be available if needed not all the time, but most of the times, and here I don’t have that, everything must be done alone, like it or not.

Right now, at this point of my life, I don’t like not having the comfort of company, I’ve always been an independent person, I’ve honestly done so much on my own, so many things people say they would never do alone. But right now it’s hard…

I don’t like crying every day or feeling like nobody cares, I just want someone to tell me “hey join me for water?”

Whinny seems to be my middle name lately and I hate it, I’d much rather be “fearless” that was much more appealing

The Art of feeling alone

It’s been a while since I wrote here, since the sudden death of one of my best friend here I’ve been lost, and feeling lost.

You see, I was used to being alone, or at least I got used to it, I moved to town when I was 19, all of my friendships were (and I dare to say are) already strong and going, I think there is an age when you could be fine not making new friends, mostly because you have people to hang out with and I am not saying people do not make any new friends, however is not something you need to feel complete or accepted or whatever…

So I moved, my family was with me, but I had no friends in a big city, I got used to be alone or to be confortable alone in University,  which seems weird since for most people you make great friends there, however in Mexico is not the same, my unversity is mostly locals and have tons of friends in town, they hung out and had their friend life already figured out, and to be honest I learned that is how it was, and was happy about it, I knew my friend were there, far away but still there and I did made friends, however is not the same, I do see them once or twice a year but is not like we keep in touch that often.

Then I started my working life, I did not get a job to make friends but you know I had plans to pay and I say plans because they were big plans, which I didn’t realize until now is that my plans were for me and me alone, not anyone else I did not see anyone with me.

I went into my exchange program and at the beginning it was the same, me alone as usual and I was okay with it, and then I made friends and for a few months, I never felt alone again, I had people around me all the time, we had deep conversations, we were never bored, I dare to say we were a little family… I was happy and not alone.

But eventually I had to come back to the real world, sometimes I wish I could just stay like that forever, careless student in an exchange program, in a country where everything seems to fit, even when alone, I was not alone, I was in England and everything was new and facinating, I still remember walking down the streets of Leeds if I close my eyes I can feel and see the streets, I can feel it…

My alone time came back again, and I had one plan down, for many years my focus was on that plan, England, and now I had nothing, I got a job and now my goal was to find it in me to finish university, univeristy was  lonelier than ever, mostly because all my class mates were in different classes, I made friends at work though and work became my main source of hang out, I finally moved sites and within the company to an other process and then I met my Best Team.

I can remember seeing her the first day, I can remember when she got sick during training, I can remember her strong willingness beating me at a role play, and the first time she spoke to me and wanting to know more about me…

She was cool and I wasn’t and I couldn’t understand why she would even speak to me but she did, and a lot, we starting what we called text spam, and ever since I didn’t feel alone, she was always around, always a text, phone call and later on whatsapp away, we communicated 24/7. Morning texts “How are you doing?” texts, “love you” texts “random rant texts” picture of the tacky picture at the bus texts, cute boy texts, random loooong phone conversations. We had each other and that was all that mattered, she helped me through my broken heart, I tried to help her with hers.

And then she was gone, I can’t remember what I said to her last, it was probably “Ok I’ll see you here” or something like it. I miss her and now I am alone again and honestly I know I am not totally alone but there are long periods of time I feel completely lost and alone…

She is really gone

One of my Bestest Deaest friends was on an accident last Friday night/Saturday Morning and sadly she passed away.

I honestly am in pain, I talked about dealing with loss before and then I’m in this position again and I’m not sure what to do she was like one of the people I spoke with 24/7 no joke, we were partners in crime, friends, confidents, we called each other Best Team.

When her sister called me I could not believe it, I was in shock, mostly because I had a lost call from here a minute before the accident, she was going to meet us after this work dinner since we were celebrating one of our friend’s birthday, she called me 1:59 am, I called back several times a minute after and she did not pick up, I honestly figured she just left her phone away like she does often. she didn’t…

the last few days have been some of the worst in my life, she was 25, she was smart, pretty, she was amazing, and I’m not only saying that because she was my friend, I’m saying that because is true.

I’m leaving for New York this week and I honestly do not know what to feel, all my friends say is “Enjoy it, she will be coming with you” and I know she will, it’s just still hard to get used to the idea she is really gone, at least from the physical world, I will not be getting any whatsapp, calls, office communicator messages, anything I will not be seeing her for coffee, lunch or a crazy shopping spree.

I only have good memories from her, and I know she left me with a group of terrific friends, we are helping each other but is not easy, and we know it will not be easy.

I can’t be numb all my life she would want me to go and live life like she always did! doing what she loved!

I love you Best Team I will always love you! and no matter where I go or what I do, you will always be a part of me.

The One where I actually write

Maybe I should actually set up a date and time to write? I do some writing on a notebook sometimes, I guess you could call that my Journal, however I’m always thinking on writing here but somehow I get caught up on some other things.

I’ll be leaving for New York in exactly 18 days! 😮 I can’t believe there’s only 18 days separating me and my trip, last year it seemed so far away and now is just a couple of weeks away. I have everything set except for the itinerary, I’ve been doing research and stuff and I have my pass, however I still need to figure out how to make the most of it!

So that’s pretty much all I’ve been talking/thinking about.

I shall be back sooner than you think dear internet 🙂