Friends and impossible relationships

So I noticed something recently, all or most of my friends are pulled into relationships with no future. and I don’t mean personality wise or compatibility but a big fat reason I will not share here just in case.

I wonder why, because it seems I live mortified for them, mostly because I care, I probably shouldn’t care very much or worry this much, but for some reason I do, and I wonder if it’s because I need to learn something from this, or because I have no life (which is probably a more accurate response)

Why do girls get themselves in a situation they hate, but yet cannot get out of the vicious circle? why they want to be hurt or be hurting for longer? Don’t they realize they have so freaking much to give? I honestly can say I have the group of girl friends more interesting I know, they are all smart and pretty (I swear they are not love eyes, I do think they are pretty), they all have different but killer personalities and could get any good guy they want, but they choose the one already confirmed is not for the long run…

This guys are vicious and selfish and only want what’s best for them, I honestly don’t think they are bad people, they just are not willing to be in a relationship with them, they rather keep it easy on them, because they have nothing to lose.

It’s sad, but very true, and sometimes I wish I could not care to see them going to the same guys, because I hate seeing them sad when they could be the happiest.

I guess I’ll have to deal, there is not much more I can do, but being here for them, and I always will, even when when my heart breaks every time they cry for them…

A little company needed

I need to find myself company, I recently moved to a new position within my company and yes, the pay is better, the job is better however I am in a completely different building and the company is not so much, I was used to have ALWAYS someone to talk to…mainly because I am a chatter box and most of my co-workers got along with my perfectly and we were able to chat away about random things, they liked the real me, the annoying, moody, happy me, all my versions, I never experienced that much acceptance in a workplace, I guess you don’t get that very often.

I think this is one of the reasons I am feeling so alone, I always had someone join me for tea (since I don’t drink coffee) or someone would be available to join me to the cafeteria and don’t get me wrong I’m not THAT needy that does not mean I didn’t do it alone sometimes, I did it tons of times alone, but I guess is not about having the company 24/7 but is knowing company can be available if needed not all the time, but most of the times, and here I don’t have that, everything must be done alone, like it or not.

Right now, at this point of my life, I don’t like not having the comfort of company, I’ve always been an independent person, I’ve honestly done so much on my own, so many things people say they would never do alone. But right now it’s hard…

I don’t like crying every day or feeling like nobody cares, I just want someone to tell me “hey join me for water?”

Whinny seems to be my middle name lately and I hate it, I’d much rather be “fearless” that was much more appealing

The Art of feeling alone

It’s been a while since I wrote here, since the sudden death of one of my best friend here I’ve been lost, and feeling lost.

You see, I was used to being alone, or at least I got used to it, I moved to town when I was 19, all of my friendships were (and I dare to say are) already strong and going, I think there is an age when you could be fine not making new friends, mostly because you have people to hang out with and I am not saying people do not make any new friends, however is not something you need to feel complete or accepted or whatever…

So I moved, my family was with me, but I had no friends in a big city, I got used to be alone or to be confortable alone in University,  which seems weird since for most people you make great friends there, however in Mexico is not the same, my unversity is mostly locals and have tons of friends in town, they hung out and had their friend life already figured out, and to be honest I learned that is how it was, and was happy about it, I knew my friend were there, far away but still there and I did made friends, however is not the same, I do see them once or twice a year but is not like we keep in touch that often.

Then I started my working life, I did not get a job to make friends but you know I had plans to pay and I say plans because they were big plans, which I didn’t realize until now is that my plans were for me and me alone, not anyone else I did not see anyone with me.

I went into my exchange program and at the beginning it was the same, me alone as usual and I was okay with it, and then I made friends and for a few months, I never felt alone again, I had people around me all the time, we had deep conversations, we were never bored, I dare to say we were a little family… I was happy and not alone.

But eventually I had to come back to the real world, sometimes I wish I could just stay like that forever, careless student in an exchange program, in a country where everything seems to fit, even when alone, I was not alone, I was in England and everything was new and facinating, I still remember walking down the streets of Leeds if I close my eyes I can feel and see the streets, I can feel it…

My alone time came back again, and I had one plan down, for many years my focus was on that plan, England, and now I had nothing, I got a job and now my goal was to find it in me to finish university, univeristy was  lonelier than ever, mostly because all my class mates were in different classes, I made friends at work though and work became my main source of hang out, I finally moved sites and within the company to an other process and then I met my Best Team.

I can remember seeing her the first day, I can remember when she got sick during training, I can remember her strong willingness beating me at a role play, and the first time she spoke to me and wanting to know more about me…

She was cool and I wasn’t and I couldn’t understand why she would even speak to me but she did, and a lot, we starting what we called text spam, and ever since I didn’t feel alone, she was always around, always a text, phone call and later on whatsapp away, we communicated 24/7. Morning texts “How are you doing?” texts, “love you” texts “random rant texts” picture of the tacky picture at the bus texts, cute boy texts, random loooong phone conversations. We had each other and that was all that mattered, she helped me through my broken heart, I tried to help her with hers.

And then she was gone, I can’t remember what I said to her last, it was probably “Ok I’ll see you here” or something like it. I miss her and now I am alone again and honestly I know I am not totally alone but there are long periods of time I feel completely lost and alone…